Chasing Jesus

     I started chasing Jesus when I was about 16. I'm now 62 and am no closer to catching up with Him today than I was 46 years ago. Since most Christians don't seem to need to put this much effort into being saved, I  came to the conclusion that I'm simply not a Christian; I'm probably something else: Buddhist, perhaps, or Muslim, or maybe even Jewish. That makes me kind of sad because I really wanted to be a Christian. Let's get serious--who wouldn't want to be a Christian? The story not only has a happy ending, our enemies burn in hell forever. Sounds like a apt place for one or two of my ex-husbands.
     Back to my ongoing pursuit of Jesus. I probably hold some sort of world record for 'most baptized heathen in America.' Over the years, I have joined many, many churches (might be another world record there, too). Unfortunately, shortly after the baptismal waters dried I always seemed to lose sight of the prize.  and, once again, was in search of salvation. Until very recently, I couldn't figure out why Jesus was avoiding me. I've had a few theories over the years, the most disturbing one casting me as Satan's spawn. Not that I've ever worshiped the devil or sacrificed goats to Lucifer. It's true, I didn't go to confession when I was a Catholic, and I wasn't very good at fasting one Sunday a month when I was a Mormon. And, during my Baptist conversions (there have been 3), I did just about everything wrong: I invited a gay couple into my home to share a meal; I had sex (the heterosexual kind) outside of marriage; and I referred to our minister as a "feeble-minded dust mite," to his face. I truly regret that last sin because the minister was really a good man, and he certainly was not a dust mite.
      Today, while driving to Astoria, I listened to a Christian radio station and, before reaching my destination,
I finally figured something out: it isn't Christianity I have a problem with; it's Christians. That's not to say I think Christians are bad people. I don't. Hell, if I did I wouldn't want to play with them: I'd simply take my ball and find another playground. I think most Christians are genuinely good-hearted people. They have the right idea about Jesus but miss the boat when it comes to following His teachings. Listening to Christian radio for less than an hour made me crazy!  The woman being interviewed referred to the Mormon Church as a "cult."  She questioned whether or not Catholics were even Christians. She made a derogatory comment about "Moonies," and begged all "real Christians" to pray for their Jehovah Witness friends. I don't want to be the kind of Christian that judges people of other faiths. I want to be the kind of Christian who can appreciate the way everyone celebrates his or her belief in God, the kind of Christian who believes that, though each one of us are on a different path, our destination is the same.
      I had to turn the Christian radio station off. I found myself becoming angry, so clearly the message wasn't inspiring peaceful, loving feelings, at least not in this heathen's heart. I don't go to church anymore for the same reason; I don't leave services feeling uplifted. The majority of church doctrine I've been exposed to suggests that people of  the Muslim, Islamic, Buddhist and Jewish faiths are going to hell because they don't accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. I not only don't believe that, I don't want to believe that. I'm wrong a lot, but if I'm wrong about this I don't belong in heaven. Jesus was about love and kindness and gentleness. He wanted us to seek to understand rather than be understood. At least that's my interpretation of His Teachings. So I guess I'm destined to remain a heathen. 
   

Casey Anthony

So, so much national outrage could be avoided in the future if we make a few changes to the way we try high profile cases. If we've learned anything from the Anthony case, it's that the jury has no business in the courtroom. Instead, each man and woman on the jury should be sequestered in his or her hotel room and not allowed out until the trial is over and it's time to deliberate. Instead of forcing these 12 carefully selected in dividuals to sit in a Court of Law listening to evidence, they should be court-ordered to remain in their hotel rooms listening to commentarties by Nancy, Joy and Drew, over and over again, each day of the trial. Clearly, doing things more traditionally doesn't work. I am convinced that if the Anthony jurrists hadn't been exposed to the evidence they would have been able to focus entirely on "tot mom's" character as described by the media. Undoubtedly, without the evidentuary distractions, the Anthony jury would have gotten it right: found her guilty of aggravated murder and agreed with the proscution that death was the only appropriate sentence. 

The Lonely Blogger

I might want to share a thought or two with someone out there in Bloggerland but can't seem to figure out how to do that. I have a very private blog. Most of the time that's okay, but I wouldn't mind hearing from another blogger, preferably a mental health professional who has had his or her ass kicked by a client. It's been 12 days since the assault and I'm not quite back to my normal, happy-go-lucky self yet. What is taking so long? I want to get back to feeling like myself instead of like a victim. Crap, I'm probably going to have to go and see a therapist. I am one of those and, quite frankly, I think the therapeutic process is really over-rated.

The Terminator

Getting beat-up kept me away from the news for a little over a week. Imagine my surprise today when I learned that Arnold has been unfaithful to his wife, fathered a child with the family maid of 20 plus years, and lied to the world about all of it. Hours were devoted to the sordid mess by CNN and FOX, and in-between the hours of reporting on Arnold's story, snippets kept viewers on pins and needles waiting for the next update. What the fuck is wrong with us?

I've never been a fan of Arnold's. I've seen many of his movies and most were tolerable though I've never paid to see one in a theater. I'm not a Californian or a Republican so his political aspirations  interest me one way or the other. His private life still doesn't interest me all that much. I'm probably morally bankrupt because I'm not feeling much outrage. We knew he was a recovering womanizer before he ever got his butt elected Governor. He said "sorry." On national TV. At that point he couldn't  do much more--the affair had already happened, the kid was already born and besides, as a people Americans love to forgive movie stars and televangelists. It makes us feel Christian.

Maria is beautiful. The maid is not. Her photos, in fact, make her look rather dumpy and old. Maybe he really loved her? It's not like he's pulling a Tiger or a Jesse. The affair apparently lasted 2 decades. He provided for his son and the mother of his son for at least the last 13 years. Maria, you knew all along, didn't you? You don't look like a dummy. Arnold has been considered a "real man" since his body-building days and culturally, he was expected to do exactly what he's done. Man,we sure seem to get off on killing terrorists and castrating aging sex symbols. It's probably a good thing. If we didn't have Arnold to think about tonight, we might have time to spare a though for the 1 out of 4 American kids whop's going to bed hungry .

Our Stories: Our Histories

Have you ever watched a woman shuffling down the street, poorly groomed, ill-fitting clothing that looks dirty and seems chosen to draw attention to the layers of toneless flesh hanging from her shoulder blades to her elbows? Surely you've seen her. The one with hair the color and texture of bacon grease, wearing flip-flops that draw attention to her too long, yellowed toenails and dirty, rough, calloused feet? She usually stares at the ground as she walks, as if searching for a treasure, and would probably be missing several teeth if finding that treasure made her smile. Her appearance doesn't speak to that unique spark of humanity that defines each one of us in relationship to everyone else. I don't know what it speaks to. Her history, either recent or life-long? Both? Her spark is certainly hidden from us--the observationists. I use that word on purpose because, at least when I see this woman, I'm not objective enough to be an  "observer." The glaring tragedy in this too common scenario is that the woman has probably been disconnected to the very spark that defines her to herself as being special: as being of value and having great worth. And the fact that I can't see that she is special--that I don't even take the time to look for that woman's spark, diminishes me.

Born Without the Blogging Gene?

My kids sit down at a computer, sniff it a few times, and then they're off and running: blogging, facebooking, tweetering and twitting, myspacing--it just doesn't matter what task presents itself, their little computer genes kick in and they can do it all. I, on the othger hand, a Phi Beta Kappa who graduated Suma Cum Laude from graduate school with a 4.0 have been known to have difficulty figuring out how to turn the damn thing on. If someone asks me how much memory I have, or launches into a diuscussion about pixels or mega-bites, mini-bites or over-bites, I have perfected this disdainful look which I hope suggests that the relationahip between my computer and myself is a very personal, private affair: one I don't talk about with very many people. Actually, I don't talk about it with any people. On occasion, my dog and I will dsicuss it but only because she's perhaps the only living creature in the entire world who knows less about computers than I do. Makes me feel smart.

Now that I'm a blogger, I've decided I need to learn something about what it is I'm doing. I've got a number of tabs snickering at me at the top of this page, waiting. I don't have any Comments but what happens if I ev er do? And Settings--I'm supposed to do soemthing with that tab, aren't I. Likewsie, Design and Monetize and Stats will all undoubtedly require attention in the future. And I still haven't figured out what a Dashboard is. Guess I'll go looking for a blogger tormorrow and try to find out if this is going to be worth the effort.

Going to bed now and really hope I sleep tonight. I wonder how long it will take for me to get back to normal? Good night, all.

Annie

Another Beating

I probably don't have much to say tonight. During the ast week I've wriutten about getting beat up at work and feelings stemming from the beating. I've kept in touch with my employers, just to let them know how I'm doing. Today I received an email from our agency's CEO informing me that she's been advised not to talk to me anymore because of Workman's Comp. Truly, this feels as bad as the beating does. I thought these people cared about me. They don't.